the past 6 months was a BLAST!! thanks to God and everyone else in the cell. i don't really know if im in the right mind to blog. as i have quite low tolerance to bullshit, i could not possibly take in what i went through. as of today, i am still in the state of shock. though not dying physically, i am slowly dying. my heart has shattered to pieces.

recalling the past, i was struggling with maths. and on top of that, i have 4 very incompetent team members. basically, i handled 8 projects/assignments/reports on my own. i slept only 3-4hours everyday for 2 months. as a result, i couldn't wake up to go to school. and my attendance sucks(attendance is a criteria to fulfil to take part in exams)

i was called down to the admin office one day because i signed in and went home to sleep. when i was there, i felt God with me, everything i said, the programme officer took in, she not only listened to me patiently, and from the sparkle i saw in her eyes, i knew i made a good impression.

on one of the fridays, my friend was terminated from school, and i have not receive news about my examination notice. and my friend was talking about some meeting the unisim ppl are holding. deep in me, i know this meeting is about retaining the good, potential achievers. as i had a constant stream of good results, and my good impression with that officer, i think they allowed me to take the exams. best of all, i believe God softened their hearts. (for those whom were updated every now and then about that situation, u should know better wad im talking about)

during the study break, i still made my way to church. a part of me was very lost.. not wanting to come to church because all is lost.. no more hope. yet another part of me want to go to church and praise and glorify God even when im undergoing henshit. "i'll praise you in this storm!!!!!!!" "God will honour those who honour Him!"

not long after that, i received my examination notice. it was dated ONE week before that day i receive it. which is like even before the study break started. so in the end, i spent the entire study break not studying but stoning and playing games. HAHA. i was supposed to look up integration. BUT WOW. talking about this, i really want to say a big THANK YOU to Franco So, Crystal Oh & Kevin Teo(here and there la on msn =P) FOR teaching me maths. thankzszzssszszszzss muchhhh.

though i didnt have time to study at all, i kept believing that, if God bring me to it, He'll bring me through it. God's army doesnt go to war without armaments and armour! (and again, for those whom i updated with my exams, u know la..) haha. financial accounting, 5 questions of 20 marks each, i am sure i got one full marks, thats 20marks. but i got one totally blank. so that's 20 marks gone too. =(

then for maths. HAHA. to be honest, prior to the exam i was telling God that its not important at all, even if i fail, its secondary, wad's most important is my loving relationship with You!!! when i flip open the paper, i was like WHAT THE HECK?!i can't do some la of cos. then i go and do all the derivatives. differentiate this, leave this blah blah. then i anyhow smoke thru the higher derivative stuff smoke smoke smoke. wow i think the ppl sitting ard me must be suffocating from all the smoke la!!! the last question, 20 marks, i left blank. cos is integration.. and i know bulls about it. then i went home and kept praying to God, not so much for my exam, but thanking Him for giving me the chance to take the exams and glorify His name. i was so super happy la when i sat in the grand hall.. (that's wad its called in SIM.. THE GRAND HALL.. ) then i kicked each paper's ass. as what my friend would say, "yeah man, i kicked the paper's ass all over the room" WHEE. GOD, WE KICKED ASS TOGETHER MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

throughout the holidays (up till the date i receive my results (2 weeks after exams)) i wasnt 1 bit kan chiong. i had this peace, this peace that tell me that whatever the results, God still love me, and i can, and will, move on in life with confidence that He is with me and all I do is for my best, even if its not from God, He can still salvage the situation and make the best out of it. WHEE, i even volunteered to help out in the Christmas performance production. overall, good stuff. i got to know some younger people. one of them even gave me a christmas card she made herself. how sweet. and jesselene, a girl whom i was suppose to teach accounts, she told me that she's really nervous about her o levels because its her 2nd attempt. but deep in me, my results are coming out even sooner but i wasnt one bit nervous at all. so powerful oh God almighty oh so powerful!!!!!!!!

LO AND BEHOLD, that night after the rehearsals, i went home and login to the student portal to check. as i type in my password, i was really looking forward to my results. HO HO HO, I PASSED EACH EVERY SINGLE MODULE. and alot of people was expelled from school. all those that relied on me, gone. i knew it... i knew they dont have what it takes to advance.. if you can even do projects with me, what more about the exams? so in essence, i conquered MATH, something i've never beat before.

on wednesday, my first day of school this sem, my class was like a ghost class. no longer a big class. but right now im still suffering from.... suffering from (depression?) i don't know hahahah! maybe its because it takes time to resurrect my heart... to piece together the fragments, to mend the cracks... then paint a layer of care, an outer layer of love, and the aura of concern... i will return... someday i will come back... and to chris yang: I WILL RETURN. I PROMISE. i want to make a difference. i want to be part of something BIG. and i will carve out a road of happiness. ta!

ivan